Post Image

Life has an interesting way of unfolding and offering up opportunities! I was asked to be a guest speaker for a Men’s Group on the topic of men’s mental well-being. I felt very privileged to be able to share this space with this group of men. It was a truly wonderful experience.

This is the information I shared with the group and I have uploaded it onto my website as the men from the group wanted to have a copy of the notes. So here it is! It is unedited, as I thought it, I wrote it and offered it to you. And….thank you for the engaging conversation around the fire that followed!

What do I want to share?

The topic of mental health is so vast  – difficult to condense into a small time frame like this evening. Men’s mental health is overlooked and still a taboo subject. Generally it is hard for any one of us to say we are struggling with something and that we need help. Mental illness/struggles are hard to pin point and then to give words to. They are hard to understand. And of course our society grows boys up by saying “big boys don’t cry”. So men’s mental wellness and wellbeing is often sidelined. So I wanted to start off by saying that  already what you are doing here, by coming together as a men’s group, is profound and stands up against the norm – the connection, goes a long way to improve mental health and men don’t do it often so this is a unique space. One of our biggest safe guards for our mental well-being is to be socially connected. You are all taking steps to being mentally well and stable just by being here. Keep this space safe, respectful and supportive, as well as a space to share and be accountable to each other, and of course to share information.

When thinking about what I could share with you to improve mental wellness as men I first thought about social connection and then of course, how well we are is also very dependent on the close relationships that we have. More specifically the intimate partnerships we have, man and woman relationships. Research shows that men who are in relationships age better, physically and mentally, and live longer. But it seems to be more and more challenging to know how to be in relationships and I have become very interested in men, what makes them tick, and a sense that men are currently in crisis. I have been more and more drawn to the topic of masculinity. This has become more pressing due to having sons of my own and in raising two boys in the modern world I have spent time thinking about my role in raising healthy men and have wanted to grow my boys to be stable, well and fulfilled men who are involved in the world, contribute meaningfully and can serve others. So I started thinking about what is needed, what is missing, and more fundamentally – what is going on in the world and men?

I decided to focus on the topic of Masculinity for this information-sharing gathering because it is a topic I feel deeply connected to for 2 reasons:

  1. Personally as a wife, married to a man, for 24 years , mother to  2 boys and a daughter and I think a lot about what they need as young men as well as what my daughter needs from a man one day when she is a relationship.
  2. Professionally as psychologist and I work with many men in therapy. Last year 70% of my clients were men of various ages, religious, cultures and ethnicities and I learnt so much from all their stories, their struggles, their sadness and feeling confused about their role as men in the world and in relationships. As a Narrative Therapist I am interested in the stories about men, historical stories of masculinity and our current narratives of masculinity.

It has saddened me to see how the narrative of toxic masculinity has overshadowed the fact that masculinity is part of creation and the beauty of being human.

We seem to have forgotten what men are, can be and how they contribute and the values of masculinity.

How did it go wrong?

Years in the making. A long history of patriarchal societies and the feminist movement. There is a need for engagement with these big topics but that is not the scope of what I want to share with you today.

We can’t forget that there is a part of our story as humans, that women, have suffered, and continue to suffer at the hands of men and male power. We cannot turn away from the fact that women and child abuse is rife and that South Africa has one of the highest femicide rates in the world. Femicide is the murder of woman by a male intimate partner – i.e. a boyfriend or father or brother. What happened to men that they display their power in such violent and aggressive ways?  But how did we get here? I believe it is partly because we fail men and women in a patriarchal system. Research shows that the more disempowered men feel in a society, the higher the rates of femicide and gender based violence are.  When we fail to respect and love the differences between us and to see the absolute value in being male and female, the masculine and the feminine we will not be able to change how things are to make things better. When we can get back to a place of knowing the true value in these differences and seeing that together that beautiful balance and relationships are formed. The masculine perfectly compliments the feminine.

So where do we begin? On a biological level we can look at how human beings first lived in social groups and how they survived. I found this an easy way for me to understand how biology then feeds roles and how this translates in society and further the narratives around masculine and feminine roles. This is an area of much debate and requires deep, critical thinking, interest and openness. However, I wanted to focus on the biology as it helped me as a starting point and for the sake of this chat, to keep things more succinct! For a simplistic view, and ease of the topic at hand we are going to look at Hunters (men), and gatherers (women). I thought it might be interesting to share some of the things that helped me to understand these differences:

  1. Wired for care, nurture, adaptable and flexible àThe gatherer – Women’s brains are wired to nurture, be flexible, to care and to be adaptable – think of raising children, these are vital when dealing with kids! But this also means that it is easy to take advantage of women because a woman will adapt to what others want and need before meeting her own needs. It may help to think of a woman’s brain as being more spread out, always thinking of the emotional connections and implications of interactions. Again think how important this is when raising children, to read the ques of young children, managing the complex interaction of a family.
  2. Wired to be provider and protector à The hunter – Men’s brains are wired to be single-focused, focused on the goal or on the task at hand which is why men can single-mindedly focus on a task and forget about supper in the oven or fetching the children. He is focused on the task at hand, being the provider, out hunting for supper to provide for his family.
  3. Speech – women have a larger network when it comes to vocabulary. Who has had the experience of arguing with a woman and she says a whole lot of words but you only get half of it? This is biologically wired into the brain. Women generally have larger social networks, therefore engage and talk more to their friends further strengthening their speech/vocabulary pathways.
  4. The Fixer: Men are biologically wired to be more practical and logical at problem solving – which is why men like to fix things! To find solutions. Because men are able to focus on the single aspect of a problem where as a woman will be thinking of all the various factors, in particular, everyone’s feelings and how they will be affected. This is very simplistic because obviously the brain is more complex and so is human interaction, but for the sake of planting a few seeds it is useful to keep it simple. My light commentary here is not to re-establish damaging stereotypes! The purpose is to understand that biologically we are wired differently and thus have slightly different attributes, strengths and weaknesses which is the difference I want to draw our attention to and to truly begin to value! If you want to know more, go and learn!
  5. Scanning – The gatherer – Women have a more diffuse neural network wored for scanning, which links all sorts of things at once. She is very good at scanning! Picture the gatherer going out to the field to gather food for her young. She goes out into the veld and she scans the area for food and can tell very quickly what grows where, and where she can find certain things, wood, berries, roots, herbs and she can remember all this information from her previous visit and will remember it for the next time she returns. Who has shopped with a woman and has had this experience of her standing at the entrance to a shop, does a quick scan from the entrance of the shop and within seconds says, ok, I’m done, it’s not here? How many of you have had the experience of looking for something in the house and you can’t find it? Who do you ask? And ….who knows exactly where to find it or where it was last seen?  You ask the woman in the house and she will immediately tell you where it is! This is because of her scanning ability. If I want to hide something from my three men, like a delicious treat, I only have to put it in the second row in the fridge and they will never see it! Of course I have a son who likes to stand in front of the fridge and say “Mum, I am being a hunter again, I can’t find the cheese”. We have had lots of mileage from this and many laughs in our house through appreciating and respecting the differences and in that also find the value.
  6. The hunter – A man has a strong focused neural network. His brain is trained on the single object, task, job, problem at hand. He is the hunter. When he is out hunting he focuses on the pray and single mindedly targets that prey. He does not see the berries lying on the floor, or the wood piled up in the distance,  only the target in his sights. When a man is focused like this he can switch off and not hear or be aware of things around him and this serves a purpose. Having a gatherer with him while he is on the hunt may not be useful – picture the woman saying “ oh but look over there, I see some bananas”! But when we come together after the foraging/hunting excursion we come back with everything that is needed for the home, for the young.
    • In our homes I am sure we have all experienced why as a man you can probably step     
    • over a towel on the floor and overlook the dishes in the sink and not see them because you are focused on a task you have in mind. And this causes a lot of upset with the woman in your life doesn’t it? Be it you mother or your wife or girlfriend or sister. Because when a woman walks past a cushion that is skew or a blanket or pair of shoes lying on the floor they scream at her, they distract her and call for her attention. So you can see how a man and a woman may really miss each other in their understanding in a home.
  7. No excuses! None of this is a pardon for being inconsiderate or gives you an excuse to behave badly! That is not what being a mature man is, a man who is in control of his masculinity! It is never ok to say, “well I am a man so I don’t see the towel on the floor because I am earning the money and being a provider”. What it calls you to do is to have an awareness of how you are wired. And once we have an awareness then we can work with that to make our lives better, deepen understanding and insight and work with the differences. It may help you to understand why your female partner gets so upset when the house is a mess! Because all those things lying around are calling for her attention and making her tired and distracted, angry and resentful. And when her attention is on the mess, it can’t be on you!
    • In our house, my husband has realised how upset I can become with the mess and the impact it has on me, and then I am not pleasant to be around. Because he now understands this dynamic, he has a box he can dump his stuff in at the entrance and it won’t bother me because I can’t see it, it does not scream at me to be attended to. Or he will help wash dishes on the weekend because then I am a much nicer person to be around. Equally I get it now that when he comes in being in a flurry with many tasks he has to work through in a day and he leaves a helmet on the floor and jacket on the chair, boots at the door I have more understanding now. Because he is busy – he is focused on something important he needs to do the jacket, boots and helmet are not important. I can willingly put it away for him without holding a grudge anymore. So this has assisted our relationship in understanding our differences better. A bit of give and take, a deeper understanding in how we are wired differently can go a very long way!
  8. Emotions –  Another interesting difference between masculine and feminine wiring is that like woman’s brains are more spread out, so too are their emotions. Women are more emotional and have a wider emotional vocabulary, they have to be in order to have the qualities of being caring, nurturing and considerate, raising young and keeping social connections which is what women are good at. So in a simple way woman are more airy, not as grounded as men, the hunters (this description or words may seem crude, however, I do think the image of up-in-the-air in contrast to groundedness is useful in this discussion). One of men’s greatest gifts is that they are grounded, solid. I think that this also may be where things have gone awry, that men are not feeling grounded enough, are not connecting to the earth, to physical activities any more so it is something to keep in mind. One hundred years ago men worked physically digging, building, planting, fabricating – hands-on work. This is a rarity these days in the modern era. So in other words men are not able to engage in the hunting activities they used to, the building, the chopping, the wrestling and sparring, the digging and these are the things that keep men solid.  The really interesting thing is that feminine energy needs to be grounded and provided safety by the masculine, by the man. How many of you have had the experience of your female partner freaking out about something, a family get together or something that a friend said? And you don’t think it is a big deal and you might tell her that. You might say  “don’t make it a big deal” or “don’t be so emotional”. And then…. The more you say this, the more emotional she gets?????? Well most of the time, all she needs is for you, the grounded, solid man, to say “I’ve got you, I am hear, it will be ok”. Often just in listening and allowing her to feel that you have heard her is enough. If you try and diminish her emotions you will only make things worse!!!!
  9. Ultimately women want to feel SAFE and masculinity, as men, you can offer that space. Balanced masculinity does exactly that. The opposite is also true – when masculinity is dangerous and feels threatening, she will not feel safe, will be more emotional and unstable. So if you want to have a balanced stable relationship with a woman this is a vital dynamic to understand. Start by looking at your actions, behaviours and responses.
  10. Attention is an important part of this conversation. There are many great male teachers and mentors who say that a man’s power is in his ATTENTION. Remember that the focused wiring of a man allows him to achieve things, to be goal oriented, to be the provider. So you must be aware of where you put your attention. Think of our lives and our screens, mobile phones and how much attention that takes from our families, friends, partners. Screens steal your time and attention and then there is nothing left for your partner and this affects her deeply. There is a risk that she may stop respecting you because when she talks to you and you don’t give her your attention, she does not feel safe! The interesting thing is that you really don’t have to listen all day…… when you give undivided, focused attention to your partner when she needs it,  she will naturally feel safe, respect you, and let you get on with your tasks. A woman likes to feel that she is the most important thing in your life, that she is your queen, that your attention is on her. And when this happens, she does not feel emotionally needy anymore! When your attention strays that is when she may seek to draw you back, become needy and emotional, or she may just switch off and shit you out completely in an effort to create her own safety. So when your partner is needy and emotional, or perhaps shut off and shut down –  look at yourself! Be aware of what you are creating. Ask yourself : where has my attention been?
  11. More about attention and what you watch on your screen is something you must be in control of. Many male teachers talk about the impact of pornography on masculinity and how it reduces a man’s potency as a man,  physically, mentally and emotionally. Being on a screen creates a more diffuse mind, which is not what your male mind is best wired to be! Practice the art of being in control of your phone, what you watch and where you place your attention.

TWO helpful words to remember  –

  • woman need à to feel SAFE.
  • Men need to be respected
  • So how do we get this to work? When you can provide safety to a woman she will naturally respect you deeply. When she respects you then you want to provide safety.
  • A belief in fulfilling and beautiful relationships between men and women How we can thrive when we come together and value each other and respect the differences

Developmental phases  – I found these so interesting – based on Alison Armstrong’s book The Amazing Development of Men:

  1. the page boy
  2.  the knight – 16 – 28/30
  3. the prince – lower, middle and high  – 24 – 45/50
  4. the tunnel –  45-55  period of 18 months
  5. the king – 55 on

(I will expand on the details of this in a future Essay)

So let’s sum up healthy masculinity:

  • Grounded/solid and present
  • Attention
  • Control anger
  • Be aware and open to learning
  • Be accountable and responsible – own up
  • Check your ego
  • To be a powerful man is never to express your power through violence and aggression. A powerful man is always grounded and in control of his emotions and his actions.

Reclaim your masculinity. Be empowered men. Be powerful in your homes and families in the way that you create safety, that you are clear thinking, that you make good decisions, that you are fair, that you pay attentions to the things of your choosing and to the benefit of those you are socially connected to. Be powerful in your ability to own up, be responsible, be accountable.

Be men that can inspire other men, and women. Don’t abuse your power as men because you are powerful! Use your power in the God given way, it was meant to be used. Stand up and speak up when there is wrong doing. Protect the vulnerable. Create safety for woman and children. And in this you will loved and respected and shine a light out into the world of how truly wonderful men are, created by God, as Men.

A note from me – I have not inserted references as this is the transcript of the talk I shared with a group of men and I have uploaded as it was shared by me at that gathering.

Next
Unweaving the Threads: Narrative Therapy
Comments are closed.